Ladybug.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:21:10 GMT

What is there to write about anymore? There are plenty of things I could write about but it bores me. Job, friends, family, money, pessimism accompanied by optimism - but that only happens in my life of course, my "problems" and the lack of ... lacking things in my life. You can only take so much, as a reader and a writer, of those things because after all, you all are human beings as well and you all have your own take-time-out-of-the-day-to-write-about-this-particular-problem/achievement/ache/pain/milestone-esque thing to write about. You miss people, you love people. You wish someone would come back and hold you one last time. You wish someone would disappear from your life. You have the greatest time of your life. You're finally happy. You've finally hit that rock bottom.

You all know how it goes.
So why should I waste my time manufacturing phrases to encompass these thoughts when it's going to be a broken record?

What if you wrote about the things that didn't happen; the things that you WISH would happen? No one ever talks about that stuff. That's just stuff that you talk to yourself about. No one has the balls to talk about that stuff, or admit that they talk to themselves. It's an envied idea: to think, no. To KNOW someone has the things that you wish for. Wishing is such a harmless thing to do but deep down inside, you know it breaks your heart when it doesn't come true. So why do we still do it? Why can't we just let the chips fall as they may? And who knows, if we don't count on something happening, when (and if) it really does happen, we'll just be as happy as a clam as opposed to wishing for said thing to happen, and when it does happen you let out a false exclamation: "I never expected this!" But you're too happy to realize that you're a filthy liar because when you wish, you expect.

Take a chance; don't wish on things. Don't even say the phrase, "I wish ..." because it's that much better when it doesn't happen. And the amount of excitement when it really does happen is overwhelming.

Here are a few things I want more than anything (*notice: I didn't say wish but that phrase is just as bad) to try to put into words:

There are a few things that I can't seem to correctly put into words. I can try but it never really happens the way I want it to. It's sort of like when a first name and middle name is supposed to roll off your tongue and sometimes it's totally botched and it hardly makes it out of your mouth let alone roll off the muscle that sometimes gets you in trouble. Like when that part of your favorite song comes on and it just lets you .. breathe. Or when you get let down by someone you never thought would do that to you. Or that first breath of spring air. Or total comfort.

This is what people talk about on a constant basis. This is what I was trying to avoid.
Perhaps the people who speak their minds are only supposed to talk about these things over and over. That's what ties us all together. But if that's the only thing we can talk about, how do we mature and grow? I REFUSE TO ONLY TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.

I want to find someone who will break this barrier and branch out and talk about something else, write about something else, sing about something else, ANYTHING.

"Words are but the vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links, they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes. " -Theodore Dreiser

That contradicts everything aforementioned. Does that mean I am not a writer? Have I failed before I even began? If that's the underlying melody these words are hiding, then I am not surprised. I fail too often to expect to succeed.

Sometimes I prefer to remain silent. Silence leads to twice as many words that will go onto a paper. Spoken words expire. Silence is underrated.

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 16:51:03 GMT

hey, I'm still here.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 23:25:36 GMT

My life is falling apart. I've been crying nonstop lately. I don't sleep and I hardly eat anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I can't even read a book or stay content with the music I'm listening to. I can't hold on to anything I have. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No one listens anymore. No one gives any feedback. No one has any advice anymore. Any advice they had they spend on themselves. Things have changed so much. I don't like it. There's always been that one constant thing in my life while I've had to endure change; there was always that person, that group, that security. But not this time. No no, not this time. I'm all by myself. Plenty of people have had to do this by themselves. I'M NOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE. I need to have that someone.

I lost my best friend over something that was so .. trite. We both have our reasons ending the friendship, although I didn't want it to end. I never want things to end. So when that ended, I had him around. I didn't grieve or mourn the loss of said friendship. I still felt safe. And when she wasn't around, he was. He was my security, he was my comfort zone and no one else was allowed in. I had never been so comfortable in my life and I can't stress that enough. And now I have nothing. Nothing at all. I have no one I can turn to for comfort. No one will sit there and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Everything always ends up okay eventually, right?

Jessica is in Georgia dealing with her own loss. Darya is living her life in Bowling Green. Mikey is in Cleveland and is finally enjoying his life. I cannot invade their lives with my own problem because they will probably look at it like something so stupid and so little compared to their own problems/happiness.

I miss Katy and I miss Jacob. I do so much. As much as I don't want anything to do with him, I want him to be in my life. The things I hear about Katy don't make me too happy -- she's doing things that I don't agree with and I don't condone as mature but I do miss her as well. Jacob is trying to make my life a living hell and as hard as he's trying, he's not really succeeding. Because in all reality, I'm the one who's making my life a living hell. I need to get out of Canton more than anyone I know. What's holding me back? WHO is holding me back? I fear that I need to get out of my life rather than Canton. Canton isn't really THAT bad, it's just the people who populate it.

I feel like I will never love a human being as much as I loved my best friend. And I feel I will never reach that comfort level ever again like how it was when Jacob was around.

I regret not going to Jake's grave on the 17th (**note: my Jake, not the Jacob being mentioned above) but other than that, I don't regret anything else that's happened in the past 5 months. I wish things would have worked out differently with Katy but our lives are going in separate directions. Maybe one day they will intertwine again but that is something I can look forward to only when I get out of this slump. I was so happy and I'm hopeful that everyone noticed that.

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 19:24:34 GMT

I feel safe and comfortable again.
this summer is going to be good I hope.

Sunday it will be one year. Sunday is going to be the hardest day ever. One year ago it was the worst day of my life. I'm going to need people surrounding me like never before. I still can't believe he's gone. I miss him so much. If people only knew how fucking hard this is, they'd grow so much.

I need something to alter my mind on Sunday. I just hope to god I find something to do so. Just don't let me dwell on him.

Mon, 14 May 2007 20:41:26 GMT

this isn't a real update.

I just wanted to let everyone know I'm seeing my favorite band tonight. and hot damn am I excited.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 16:01:39 GMT

I'm not a teenager anymore.

20 years old today.

I guess I have to start doing some responsible things now.

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 20:44:53 GMT

I hate my life right now.

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 06:08:40 GMT

I just spent plenty of time on Kylie's myspace.
I looked at all of her pictures and adored her.

I miss her.
I miss him.

It makes me scared to think that any day now could be my day.

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 03:30:02 GMT

I was scared for a minute today but now I'm okay.

St. Patrick's Day was surreal and so awkward. I went on the best car ride of my life. We finally found Magnolia and partied until about 5am. It was good to see the Chambers sisters. but other than that, I didn't know too many people there. It was weird to go to a party without Katy. That's not something I want to get used to.

I've spent a lot of time with Jake lately. I'm somewhat happy but I have to tell myself that this will be as happy as I get with the situation. I think I'm coming to terms with that because a relationship would be too much right now. Right now, it's all about comfort and my comfort level is at an all time high. It feels so good to have that security and that overall sensation of knowing someone is there for you. Aside from having a best friend, it's the best feeling. But there's no relationship. and I stress that.

I need to spend more time with the girls, that's for sure. I miss them everyday. Even when we hang out and then go our separate ways, I start to miss them. I do believe that we're all just busy. Katykins has a job now, and Shmacy is still working her two jobs and with the lack of money, it's hard to hang out. I think we all understand that and I don't think anyone is bitter about the lack of hanging out, right girls?

Wow. I had so much to say and then I got bombarded with i/ms and a lengthy phone call from DJ and I'm just all out of words.
So it's time to go study.

oh yes, I'm working again at the Body Shop and I'm still in school.
cool!

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 16:26:38 GMT

I had the worst dream.

It was similar to Children Of Men and that's probably because we saw it last night. If anyone has seen it, you'll realize what I'm talking about. And for anyone who hasn't seen it, I apologize. This probably won't make sense. But I'm trying to not go into so much detail when I explain things because no one ever really gets the point so I'll keep this short maybe.

It was present day, the government wasn't crazy or anything but for some reason people were going into cages to be deported (so maybe the government was crazy?). We had done nothing wrong and we thought we were safe. But all of the sudden these people rushed in and took Katy away. I ran after them to see where they were taking her and they threw her into one of the cages on the back of a big truck. I tried so hard to get her out but they kept hitting me every time I tried but I wouldn't stop.

And then the truck started to drive away. It went down a big hill and I couldn't see it anymore. There was not a damn thing I could do to help her. I went back to where we were before they took her away and no one was there. My family wasn't there, Jake wasn't there, none of my other friends were there. No one. I was completely alone. and it was the worst feeling in the world. I could actually feel it too.

When I woke up I had tears in my eyes and my heart hurt.
It just made me realize that I cannot live without my Katy.
I can't even imagine what life would be like without her.

It also makes me think of my Jacob. I miss him so much. There's not one day that goes by that I don't think about him and start to cry. I look at the picture of him and I next to my bed and I can't stop thinking about what life would be like if he were still here. I'm so appreciative of his friendship. He helped shape who I am today. I don't feel like he's with me anymore and it makes me feel vulnerable and like a part of me is missing. I can't believe it's been almost a year. June 17th will be a hard day for me. No one will understand why because I don't expect anyone to keep tabs on significant days in my life. It's like it happened yesterday. I still can't believe it.

I just can't fucking believe it.

I miss you so much.
I wish you were here.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 05:32:52 GMT

you're really starting to piss me off.

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 17:07:37 GMT

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 05:27:22 GMT

first day of college tomorrow!

on another note, its days like today that make me really happy that we're best friends. today was just a completely amusing day.

I can't wait for next weekend.
Jessica!
_ _ _ _!
hahaaa secrettt person..

meanwhile, it's 316 am and I have to be awake at 8. cool.

the pain in my stomach is keeping me from my needed sleep.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 18:29:57 GMT

cool.

my ipod was stolen, so was jake's.
Kyle's window got a brick thrown through it.

donations are welcomed and appreciated.

yeah right.

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 07:29:44 GMT

I'm not going to CSU anymore.
Jessica moved.
I realized so much when it comes to Katie Chambers. I realized how hard it really was for her to leave.

..I realized so much.

All in one day.
I'm in shambles.

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 23:32:56 GMT

Stressed doesn't even seem to be the right word.

I can't sleep because I am always thinking about the shit I have to do. I work all the time and the one day I had off, I hardly got anything done due to not being able to because I didn't go to fucking orientation.

I'm done working on the 30th at the Body Shop and the other night I gave my two weeks notice to Gap Kids. I almost started to cry. I couldn't tell if it was because I was genuinely sad about leaving the store or because I realize I'm not going to have any money or because that's one thing checked off the list but realizing I have a list down to my knees of other things I have to do.

I applied for the dorms and they sent me a letter telling me they received my application but can't do anything with it until I pay the $20. and I need to come up with $50 for orientation on the 5th of January. My paychecks will not be that good, I can tell you that right now.

I need to get a computer. I need to pay these fines so I can actually get a dorm and go to orientation. I NEED TO PAY FOR SCHOOL AND BOOKS but without a co-signer for my loan, that's impossible. My parents can't co-sign, they've got horrible credit and I don't know anyone else with decent credit to co-sign.

Oh yeah, I found a flight from Atlanta to Akron-Canton for $104. That's not bad. PS, I'm driving down with Jessica to Georgia on the 3rd to help her move in and then I was going to fly back on the 7th. riiiiight but I have orientation on the 5th so I'd have to come back on the 4th. Does it seem worth it? It totally is but I don't know if I'll have the money now.

I got off at 4 today and I couldn't even stand straight at the end of my shift because I am so tired. I started to cry sitting on the bench waiting to go home. I sat there for over an hour waiting and I just cried. I feel like there is so much shit I have to do but I can't do a damn thing about it.

I am just mentally and physically exhausted. and I don't know what to do.

and I put a fucking rubber band in my hair at work today because I didn't even have time to shower this morning so a messy, dirty ponytail is better than it being down and I just ripped it out and thought to myself, "I'm a fucking idiot for doing so."

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 21:03:26 GMT

I got accepted to CSU!

I'm finally going to school in a month!

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 19:55:13 GMT

this weekend consists of:

studying like mad tonight with Jessica and Katy.
(aka getting sidetracked and probably not studying at all)

SAT's tomorrow morning at 8am.
(4 hours of hell)

work at 6 tomorrow
(that will be loads of fun)

party at katy's afterwards
(I'll be dead tired. so I'll get drunk and pass out within 5 minutes)

3 mile breast cancer walk at 9am on Sunday
(jessica and I will be zombies.)

by the time I get home on sunday, I will be close to dead.

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 16:54:39 GMT

I can't believe she's gone.

greetings from georgia!

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 23:51:31 GMT

I'm leaving for Georgia on Sunday.
If anyone would like a postcard, please let me know.
_______________________

I'm going to compile a list of my favorite songs.
If anyone else would like to, I urge you to do it.
Let's compare, find new music?, and criticize.
(there are in no particular order)

1. "Left & Leaving" The Weakerthans
2. "Play Crack the Sky" Brand New
3. "There Are Objecets and Objects" A Day In Black and White
4. "I'll See You When We're Both Not So Emotional" American Football
5. "Helitrope" At The Drive In

... I'll keep updating this.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:31:59 GMT

Fri, 23 Jun 2006 17:14:42 GMT

this is what I'm thinking so I'm going to write it.

In my head, this is all one huge run on sentence. The funeral was beautiful if a funeral can be beautiful. They played a song by Coby that just made me think of Jake and how he's probably in his glory right now being able to spy on all of us. I had an encounter with him the other night. It was weird, but I loved it. It was the night of the big storm. I had gotten home at about 1 and passed out with my TV on. At about 5am, I woke up, there was a huge crack of lighting and then I heard "hah that was sweet." It was him. I know it. It sounded just like him. And Lord knows I didn't say that. Maybe I'm going crazy because of all of this. I believe that in time, I will get emotionally worse, and to all of you, it will seem as if I'm getting better. I just can't get over the fact that he is gone and I can never randomly run into him at a show or go hang out with the group without all of us thinking about how it's not the same without him. Speaking of the group, it was so hard to see all of them at calling hours last night. Corey hugged me as if his life depended on it and he just wept. Tyler's eyes were bright red and Eric was the tough one out of the group. I was sitting on a couch when Eric, Kayla and Whitney walked in. I stood up to hug Kayla and Whitney and collapsed back onto the couch crying when Eric came over. It was my turn to grasp him as Corey did me - with a death grip. And when I first saw Jake laying in the casket, I lost it. My knees buckled and I couldn't do anything but run into the bathroom. He looked so ... bad. It was as if I was looking at an elderly person and not a 21 year old. He had on his cute little blue and white polo. I just knew he wasn't really THERE because that shirt wasn't tight enough for him. ha That boy wore the tightest shirts EVER. At The Drive In just came on. Ohh Jake. What are we going to do without you? How are we supposed to cope? Will you ever know how much you meant to me? to us? to ALL of us. I'm so despondent. That is basically my name right now. "ohhh look over there. There's Despondent." I don't know what to say or how to act. I don't know when it's an appropiate time to cry or grieve. In front of people? In seclusion? For now, I just act the part I'm feeling. For my friends, I will put on a happy face without acting fake (if that's possbile). They all know I'm upset but I do not want them to feel bad for me. I'm normally a happy person. This is not how I usually am. But then again, I'VE NEVER HAD SOMEONE I LOVE THIS MUCH DIE BEFORE. What the fuck man. My emotions are swaying like a god damn tree in the wind. More like a tree swaying in a fucking tornado. One second I'll be hitting a brick wall. Crying, not breathing, gasping. The next I'll be numb. Like there aren't anymore tears that my eyes can produce and I just stare. The next, I'll be thinking to myself, "Remember the good times. Remember when that wonderful man graced your life. He's in a better place now. And he's still with you." And then it goes back to staring and then back to crying. Then back to staring, optimism, staring, crying, staring, hope, staring, crying, staring, coping. And all the time, I can feel my heart breaking into two, regrouping (for the hope stage), just to break again. I just want to stay in New Philadelphia for a while and be with all of those people. Just for a while. I need to know that they are coping and healing. I need to heal. And cope. I want to lock myself in a house with Eric, Corey, Te and Fallon so we can relive all those good times and actually feel that Jake is there with us. He is with me right now. It's so weird. For those of you who have never gone through this, when you hear people say "So and so is with me right now. I can feel them." MAN. It's true. I feel him sitting on the bed behind me. Borderline creepy ... I've learned not to be afraid (like I was before) and await those moments that I feel him here with me. This is just another one of those things that I need to do and grasp and enjoy. It's something to look forward to which was something I thought I wouldn't feel for a long time. I loved him with all my heart and I still do. I ALWAYS will. I know he knows that now. But I still question so much. There will always be those questions. I hope those questions get answered in my dreams. As of late, I haven't really slept, eaten, .. really I've done nothing. I just feel as if ... well. I feel like if I died right now, I would be happy. I would be with him. And I'm really not thinking of anyone else. My bests, my family. Then again, I just came back from a funeral. There's really not a lot of room in my mind for any other thoughts right now. Now The Mars Volta came on. Terry said something about Whitney having people over tonight so we can all cope and deal and just be in each other's presence. I just need to try my hardest to keep my mind off things. Try as hard as I can. Try.

I'm not expecting anything from this. I didn't even re-read it. I tried.

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 21:24:49 GMT

Summer started, all my friends are happy with most aspects of life making me happy for them.

I've seen a few shows.
I have the new Cursive album.
I've hung out with a few new people.

money is ... a horrible thing. end of story.
work is ..... getting better. more hours = more $ = more horrible.
family is .... always good.
friends ..... we already talked about them.

Now, on to the not-so-cheerful part of the update.

I've lost someone. I've lost someone who was/is a huge part of my life .. of my past. He helped me become who I am today. He was funny, beautiful, smart, talented, and was the best friend he could be. Some of my fondest memories are with him.

I still can't believe he's gone. I just can't believe it. I cry everyday. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I'm shaky all the time. My head pounds. My body aches. I've never lost anyone this close to me before. I feel like my heart is broken.

I found a picture of him and I when he took me to Homecoming. I showed Fallon. After she left, I lost it. I can't stop staring at it. This is horrible. I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

Tomorrow are the calling hours. I'm going with Fallon and you better believe I'm going to be squeezing her hand so tight, she'll be in pain.

I feel like I cannot do this.

And I feel bad for my friends who didn't know him. I feel like I shouldn't hang out with them because I'm just so sad and I'm not myself. I don't want them to deal with me. And no one knows what to say. I just cannot believe it.

I know I'm going to learn from this but god damnit, I can't make my mind stop racing for the life of me. So, tell me: when is all of this going to end? When will I learn? cope? get over it? deal?

That picture will go with me everywhere from now on.

And I'm not looking for sympathy because I don't deserve it. I'm just being honest.

Jake was in a car accident on June 10th which lead him to being paralyzed. During the course of the week following the accident, he got pneumonia and his immune system couldn't handle it. He passed away this past Saturday around 5 in the evening.

And it's so ironic because around that time, I was at the mall talking to Tyler Tompkins and Corey Haught about going to see him in the hospital. Tyler said Jake's family was so optimistic. Later that night, I saw Eric Brown at a show and it was just wierd seeing all of those boys in the same night and we all talked about Jake. (In case you didn't know, Tyler, Corey, Jake, Eric, Fallon and I spend an entire summer together. We were the best friends ever.)

I'm still shocked and numb.

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 20:39:31 GMT

I'm just so tired.

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 14:33:39 GMT

I can't believe he's gone.