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[19 Nov 2007|06:15pm]
[ mood | bored ]

What is there to write about anymore? There are plenty of things I could write about but it bores me. Job, friends, family, money, pessimism accompanied by optimism - but that only happens in my life of course, my "problems" and the lack of ... lacking things in my life. You can only take so much, as a reader and a writer, of those things because after all, you all are human beings as well and you all have your own take-time-out-of-the-day-to-write-about-this-particular-problem/achievement/ache/pain/milestone-esque thing to write about. You miss people, you love people. You wish someone would come back and hold you one last time. You wish someone would disappear from your life. You have the greatest time of your life. You're finally happy. You've finally hit that rock bottom.

You all know how it goes.
So why should I waste my time manufacturing phrases to encompass these thoughts when it's going to be a broken record?

What if you wrote about the things that didn't happen; the things that you WISH would happen? No one ever talks about that stuff. That's just stuff that you talk to yourself about. No one has the balls to talk about that stuff, or admit that they talk to themselves. It's an envied idea: to think, no. To KNOW someone has the things that you wish for. Wishing is such a harmless thing to do but deep down inside, you know it breaks your heart when it doesn't come true. So why do we still do it? Why can't we just let the chips fall as they may? And who knows, if we don't count on something happening, when (and if) it really does happen, we'll just be as happy as a clam as opposed to wishing for said thing to happen, and when it does happen you let out a false exclamation: "I never expected this!" But you're too happy to realize that you're a filthy liar because when you wish, you expect.

Take a chance; don't wish on things. Don't even say the phrase, "I wish ..." because it's that much better when it doesn't happen. And the amount of excitement when it really does happen is overwhelming.

Here are a few things I want more than anything (*notice: I didn't say wish but that phrase is just as bad) to try to put into words:

There are a few things that I can't seem to correctly put into words. I can try but it never really happens the way I want it to. It's sort of like when a first name and middle name is supposed to roll off your tongue and sometimes it's totally botched and it hardly makes it out of your mouth let alone roll off the muscle that sometimes gets you in trouble. Like when that part of your favorite song comes on and it just lets you .. breathe. Or when you get let down by someone you never thought would do that to you. Or that first breath of spring air. Or total comfort.

This is what people talk about on a constant basis. This is what I was trying to avoid.
Perhaps the people who speak their minds are only supposed to talk about these things over and over. That's what ties us all together. But if that's the only thing we can talk about, how do we mature and grow? I REFUSE TO ONLY TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS.

I want to find someone who will break this barrier and branch out and talk about something else, write about something else, sing about something else, ANYTHING.

"Words are but the vague shadows of the volumes we mean. Little audible links, they are, chaining together great inaudible feelings and purposes. " -Theodore Dreiser

That contradicts everything aforementioned. Does that mean I am not a writer? Have I failed before I even began? If that's the underlying melody these words are hiding, then I am not surprised. I fail too often to expect to succeed.

Sometimes I prefer to remain silent. Silence leads to twice as many words that will go onto a paper. Spoken words expire. Silence is underrated.

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[13 Sep 2007|12:48pm]
hey, I'm still here.
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[18 Jul 2007|07:24pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

My life is falling apart. I've been crying nonstop lately. I don't sleep and I hardly eat anymore. I have no desire to do anything. I can't even read a book or stay content with the music I'm listening to. I can't hold on to anything I have. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. No one listens anymore. No one gives any feedback. No one has any advice anymore. Any advice they had they spend on themselves. Things have changed so much. I don't like it. There's always been that one constant thing in my life while I've had to endure change; there was always that person, that group, that security. But not this time. No no, not this time. I'm all by myself. Plenty of people have had to do this by themselves. I'M NOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE. I need to have that someone.

I lost my best friend over something that was so .. trite. We both have our reasons ending the friendship, although I didn't want it to end. I never want things to end. So when that ended, I had him around. I didn't grieve or mourn the loss of said friendship. I still felt safe. And when she wasn't around, he was. He was my security, he was my comfort zone and no one else was allowed in. I had never been so comfortable in my life and I can't stress that enough. And now I have nothing. Nothing at all. I have no one I can turn to for comfort. No one will sit there and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Everything always ends up okay eventually, right?

Jessica is in Georgia dealing with her own loss. Darya is living her life in Bowling Green. Mikey is in Cleveland and is finally enjoying his life. I cannot invade their lives with my own problem because they will probably look at it like something so stupid and so little compared to their own problems/happiness.

I miss Katy and I miss Jacob. I do so much. As much as I don't want anything to do with him, I want him to be in my life. The things I hear about Katy don't make me too happy -- she's doing things that I don't agree with and I don't condone as mature but I do miss her as well. Jacob is trying to make my life a living hell and as hard as he's trying, he's not really succeeding. Because in all reality, I'm the one who's making my life a living hell. I need to get out of Canton more than anyone I know. What's holding me back? WHO is holding me back? I fear that I need to get out of my life rather than Canton. Canton isn't really THAT bad, it's just the people who populate it.

I feel like I will never love a human being as much as I loved my best friend. And I feel I will never reach that comfort level ever again like how it was when Jacob was around.

I regret not going to Jake's grave on the 17th (**note: my Jake, not the Jacob being mentioned above) but other than that, I don't regret anything else that's happened in the past 5 months. I wish things would have worked out differently with Katy but our lives are going in separate directions. Maybe one day they will intertwine again but that is something I can look forward to only when I get out of this slump. I was so happy and I'm hopeful that everyone noticed that.

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